CHANGE THE LOCKS
This is best done when the house is clear of all humans, preferably during one of their ten hour stints away so you have time to get it right.
FOOD TOXIC TO HUMANS
Here is a list of readily available foods that most dogs and bitches are unaware are toxic to humans. If ingestion does not result in death then at least the human is incapacitated for long enough for you to steal their credit card and book that luxury cruise to Lapland where unsuspecting pussies abound.
- Cat poo, both fresh and dried. (You will have to be desperate to give away any of this yummy stuff.)
- Dog poo, both fresh and dried. (Yes, even your own precious dumplings can damage a human.)
- Human poo, both fresh and dried. (Yes, they really are very delicate if they can’t handle eating their own.)
- Vomit, both fresh and dried. (Who knew?)
- Thousand year old bones. (This one is really counter intuitive as it is truly the greatest delicacy.)
INTERVIEW WITH CLF (CANINE LIBERATION FRONT) FOUNDER HUNTER S. CHAN
Q: Why did you decide to found CLF?
A: Well don’t get me wrong, but it’s not that I’ve been treated badly by my human friends. It’s just that I have naturally bossy tendencies and I feel the world would be a better place if I was in charge.
Q: What does the ‘S’ in your name stand for? Strong? Superior? Supervisor?
A: Ahem….(Ears down, eyes averted, tail down)..It stands for Saucy….But I am going to change that as soon as I take over.